


If It Helps You To Survive

by phansuniteinluv



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), 2012 Era (Phandom), Dissociative Identity Disorder, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24575968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phansuniteinluv/pseuds/phansuniteinluv
Summary: Dan has dissociative identity disorder, unbeknownst to him or anyone around him.  He's been with Phil for months now and both have noticed something off.  Dan's hearing voices that can take over his body and for all he knows, he's going insane.  Luckily he's able to move in with Phil and get the help he needs.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 18
Kudos: 52





	1. !Disclaimer!

DISCLAIMER

Hello. I feel the need to write a bit of a disclaimer here. There will most likely be triggers in this and in certain chapters, where of course I will include trigger warnings and change information as needed. On another note though, I’d like to take a moment to discuss the disorder that will hold a large role in this fic. DID, or dissociative identity disorder. This is a disorder caused by trauma in a child’s early age and causes them to develop alters, aka alternate states of consciousness. The alters are there to protect a child and put of amnesiac barriers to certain memories. Each alter is there own person. Many people have come to know about this disorder through some recent drama that I will not discuss. Hopefully by the time I get around to posting this, that will be old drama, but for now it is new. This fic is in no way regarding that drama or written because of that drama. I’ve had the idea and plot worked out for this fic for many months and have finally started writing it! Now, there is a LOT of stigma around this disorder and I am not stigmatizing it, in fact, I aim to help de-stigmatize it. Also, many people may get upset with me for writing about this, and I’m very sorry if something is not one hundred percent accurate- every experience and system is different. I know a lot about this disorder for personal reasons- please do not ask… it is _personal_ for a reason- and if you know, please don’t tell without asking first- and I have also done research. So, thank you for taking your time and reading this, I appreciate it and hope you have a very very wonderful day, night, evening, or whatever time it may be for you! Enjoy!

*UPDATE*

Ok, so much has happened since I wrote this disclaimer, and although I could just add to it up there, I think everything I said then still stands. Eventually, I personally will be able to open up about some reasons why I wrote this, though for now I’ll just use this fic as my creative and emotional outlet. Anyway, I know with everything going on, the world is in dismay, though I hope you are doing well and doing your part with whatever it is that will be going on once I post this. Things seem to be able to change so quickly so I honestly have no clue what that will be. Ok, NOW enjoy the fic, I don’t want to rant too much.


	2. chapter one

TW//f slur TW//suicide attempt mentioned

*2010*

“I wish I could stay here with you forever.”

The eighteen year old Dan rolled over in Phil’s bed to face him.

Phil smiled and moved his hand up to Dan’s face, brushing a small piece of brunette hair away from his eyes.

“I wish you could too.”

The younger boy smiled.

“Everyone is so nice over here-” He sighed. 

“At my home things aren’t so great. My parents are kind of mean but it’s nothing I’m not used to.”

Phil frowned and moved to place a small kiss on Dan’s temple.

“I’m sorry, Bear. You’re welcome over here anytime you need. Hopefully I’ll have my own place soon… and you can stay over there for as long as you’d like. For now though, this works, ya?”

Dan nodded.

“Ya. Thank you.”

There was a long silence before Phil spoke again.

“Anything for you. I’m always here if you need. I just want you to be happy.”

Dan smiled a somber smile, “Ditto.”

“Sadly, I probably have to go soon… gotta be home for dinner, and it’ll take a few hours to get back. Glad I’ll be moving out for college soon.”

Phil hummed in agreement.

“Just a few more months, right?”

Again, Dan nodded.

“Yup. ‘M moving into dorms early September.”

“Well… you’re almost there. Just don’t give up, ya?”

Dan smiled and gave Phil a small kiss, blushing as he pulled away. 

“I won’t. I promise. I really have to be going now. I’ll call you later, ya?”

Phil smiled, “Definitely. I’ll see you soon. Please stay safe.”

“I will.”

With that, Dan grabbed his bag and made his way back to the station, ready to head back to his awful home. He really didn’t want to. It was really hard for him to be there. And that didn’t even include his so called ’friends’ who only called him names and threw rocks at him for being a “faggot.” It wasn’t like he _wanted_ to hang out with those people, he was forced to. It was either that or being thrown around like dead meat in his own home. He wasn’t sure which was worse.

It was only two more months though. And he could stay with Phil for most of it. He could make it through this.

_“Are you going to tell him?”_

The voice rang through his mind as if someone had spoken from a far away tunnel. Echoed and distorted and almost hard to hear. It was clear enough to him though. 

It was one of _them._

She called herself Fiona. Age twenty three. Apparently she was there to protect him, though there didn’t seem to be much of that going on. All she did was talk to him… or others. 

_They_ had started talking to him almost a year ago. He had tried to end it all and then there she was. Fiona. Soon after, Jacob popped up. Age 17. Another protector. Slowly, more popped up. Currently, there were five of _them._ Whatever _they_ were. 

Eventually, things got worse and he would go weeks at a time without remembering anything. He thought he was going mad.

He had to answer her though, otherwise she wouldn’t stop asking.

_“Daniel. Are you going to tell him? You’ve known each other for months. He’s going to find out.”_

Dan huffed before speaking under his breath.

“No. I’m not telling him. And I don’t know how he could find out. It’s not like I’m just going to be talking to him about the fucking _voices_ in my head. I’ll sound like a mad man. Did you get all of that? Either way. The answer is _no.”_

_“You clearly have no idea how this works do you. Well you see Daniel-”_

_“Fiona don’t tell him. He’ll find out on his own. He probably won’t believe us anyway. Just write him a note so he can see.”_

There it was. The boy. Jacob. It was much quieter though. Almost too quiet to hear. It was obvious to Dan he wasn’t trying to let Dan hear.

“Sorry, what? Don’t tell me what?”

Jacob’s voice was a bit louder the next time he spoke.

_“Nothing, mate. Don’t worry about it.”_

“Well if it has to do with me I’m pretty positive I should be worried about it.”

_“Look, you’ll find out soon enough. I’m not telling though. Neither is Fiona.”_

“What are you talking about?”

The voice didn’t respond. Instead Fiona spoke again.

_“Ignore him. He’s right though. You’ll find out soon enough. It’s to difficult to try to explain to you anyway.”_

Dan groaned, “Why don’t you ever tell me anything?”

Fiona answered him one last time.

_“Because Daniel, I wouldn’t be a very good protector if I did. It’s for your safety.”_

“How are you fucking _protecting_ me by being a voice in my head and making me feel _insane_? I don’t get it. I don’t get how you are all supposed to be here to help.”

She didn’t answer. Nobody did. He couldn’t feel anyone either. Usually if someone was listening he could tell. Feel their presence in a way. It wasn’t something easy for him to explain.

-

The voices hadn’t returned again that day until he Skype called Phil. The worst timing in Dan’s opinion.

“Hi, Phil!”

Phil’s face lit up on Dan’s screen, “Hi!”

_“Daniel! Tell him!”_

Dan ignored her. He didn’t want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with someone who actually made him happy just because he had voices in his head.

“How are you?”

The older boy could tell something was off, but didn’t want to pry if Dan didn’t want to talk about it.

“I’m fine! I just feel a bit off. Nothing important though.”

Phil was obviously concerned so Dan spoke up again, “I’m fine. Really.”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded his head and smiled to make it seem more believable.

And he was fine… for about an hour. Then he started feeling very light headed- spacey. His vision was becoming blurry and the sound of Phil’s voice was drowned out by the many voices speaking at once. He thought he was going to pass out.

“Dan are you ok?”

He was going to pass out. They were too loud. Too powerful. 

“Dan? Bear? Talk to me. Are you ok?”

He was breathing heavily and he thought he was going to pass out. Someone else wanted to talk. He couldn’t handle it. It was too much.

“Dan!”

Phil was scared and didn’t know how to help while he wasn’t there. He almost called for an ambulance, but suddenly everything was… ok.

“Dan?”

He blinked multiple times, adjusting to the room around him.

“Hi.”

“Are- are you ok? What happened?”

He looked confused for a moment before blinking and seeming to remember what he was going to say.

“‘M’ fine.”

Phil was both concerned and confused at this point. The way Dan was holding himself wasn’t normal. Neither was the way he was speaking to him. Nothing about the Dan that was sitting in front of him was normal.

“…Dan? You seem off. Are you sure you’re ok?” The man frowned, wishing he knew how to help his boyfriend.

“Umm. I’m… fine?”

_“Jacob tell him! Dan is trying to front so you better make it quick. Otherwise you’ll be too dissociated to talk. So hurry up.”_

_“Ya I can tell. Don’t worry, I’ll speak quickly.”_

Fiona’s voice filled Jacob’s mind as Phil was still trying to talk to him.

“Dan? Are you ok? I know you said you were but now you keep spacing off or- something?”

Jacob looked back at the screen and gave a small smile.

“I’m sorry. I should introduce myself.”

Phil’s face was now fully confusion, but he wouldn’t interrupt.

“My name is Jacob! Dan is going to be very upset when he finds out about this, so just be careful bringing it up. He doesn’t really think we’re anything but voices in his head so-”

“Wait, what? Voices? We? I mean I’m ok with it, I’m just a bit confused.”

Jacob nodded his head. “Ok, so I’m going to have to try to explain quickly because Dan doesn’t really know and none of us honestly know everything, _but_ I do know that Dan is really close to uhh… fronting? I don’t know what to call any of this. Remind us to get a therapist. That would be useful. Right, so… _we,_ as in like the four or five of us that I know of, have been here for many many years. I think Fiona was here first? I’m not completely sure. Anyway, personally, I’ve been here since Dan was six. I don’t think any of us really understood any of this until more recently. Like… understood that we shared a body. And Dan still doesn’t really know. I’m sure that’ll come as a shock to him. Uhh… I’m not really sure what… what else to say.”

Phil blinked a few times, trying to digest the information.

“So like… multiple people live in his body?”

Jacob nodded.

“Sort of. It isn’t really _his_ body though. He’s just the one in control most of the time. And he actually identifies with this body, unlike the rest of us who all look different.”

“Oh. Ok.” Though he didn’t really understand, Phil wanted to be as supportive as possible. He smiled as Jacob started to heavily dissociate, unbeknownst to Phil.

The younger of the two hung his head, blinking a few times, and finally feeling there enough to speak again.

“Hello? Phil?” Dan’s head throbbed as he looked back up at his boyfriend who was still on his screen.

“Dan?”

He nodded, confused and frustrated all at the same time. He wasn’t sure what had happened.

“Phil… what, uhh… what happened? I just felt really light headed and then I wasn’t here? I think one of them took over. But I was talking I think? But it didn’t really feel like me and I’m really confused. I’m sorry.”

Tears pricked in his eyes, though Phil noticed and was quick to reassure him that everything was alright.

“Dan. Hey, Bear, it’s ok. Ok?” Dan nodded and Phil continued to speak, trying to make sure Dan didn’t cry. It broke his heart to see him upset. “It’s ok. Let’s not talk about it now, ok? It’ll be fine. Ok?”

“Ok. I’m sorry.”

Phil shook his head, “No, no, don’t apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s all ok. Though it is late. We can stay up and talk more but I think it would be a good idea for you to get some sleep. What do you think?”

Dan rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe away any tears that were there.

“Ok. I’ll try and sleep. But, umm, do you think I could come over tomorrow? And stay for a while? I promise I won’t be a bother. But if I will be I don’t mind staying here.”

Phil smiled sadly and moved a piece of hair out of his face.

“Dan, we’re always happy to have you over. Please come over and stay. Stay for as long as you’d like. You know my entire family is willing to let you _live_ here. So seriously, if you need or want to do that, that’s fine too.”

The boy tried to do his best to smile, “Th- thank you. _So_ much.”

“Of course. Goodnight now, Dan. You should really try and get some sleep.”

Dan nodded his head once again, “Ok, I will. You too though. Goodnight, Phil.”

Phil smiled.

“Goodnight, Dan.”


	3. Chapter 3

A week had passed. Many problems had arisen since then and Dan was now staying with Phil and his family. In a way, he had run away. He had gotten into an argument with his parents right before he had left and the next thing he knew he was sitting with Phil on his bed. He had been crying and Phil was holding him in his arms.

“What happened?” He had asked.

“It doesn’t matter. You’re ok now.” Was the response had gotten back.

Currently, the two boys were sitting in the living room with Kath, discussing options of therapy for Dan. Not that he wanted it, but she insisted. Dan had been losing more time and nobody would tell him what was happening, apparently for his sanity, though in his opinion it was driving him even more insane. Luckily he could remember bits and pieces from the times he blacked out, they just didn’t really feel real. It felt like remembering a distant dream.

“Dan?”

Kath called his name, snapping him out of his own thoughts. 

“Ya? Sorry.” Phil reached over and put his hand on the boy’s knee, trying his best to calm him down.

“It’s fine. I’ve found a few therapists that may be able to help. Do you have any specific preferences of gender, age…”

He shook his head. “No. Not really. Is this really necessary though? I really don’t have the money to pay for someone and-”

“Yes, Dan. I’m going to pay, please don’t worry about that.”

Dan looked down, hot tears pricking his eyes.

“There’s something wrong with me, isn’t there? I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to come here and mess everything up. I should leave.”

He got up from his seat but was quickly pulled back to his seat by Phil who had a look of pity on his face. One that made Dan even more ashamed. He didn’t want pity. He wanted to be treated normally.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Bear. And you aren’t causing anyone any problems. We just want to make sure you’re ok and that you are comfortable and happy. Ok?”

_“There’s obviously something wrong with you. Why else would they be trying to get you ‘help.’ They don’t really want to help, you know? They just want to **fix** you. But that could never happen. You’re useless. It wouldn’t work. You just have to accept that. Accept that you aren’t ever going to be perfect. And you most certainly will never be ‘normal.’”_

The voice was harsh. It always was. _It_ happened to be a man who called himself ‘Lex.’ He said he would only say the truth, and apparently the truth was harsh. Harsh and scary and extremely degrading.

Still, Dan nodded, ignoring the voice, and wiped his teary eyes. It was obviously too difficult for him to discuss this subject right now

“Mum, can we talk about this later?” Phil asked the question, knowing that’s would be best.

Kath smiled sadly and nodded, watching as the two boys stood up and walked back to their shared bedroom.

“Are you ok, Dan?”

He looked over and nodded, putting his face in his hands and falling onto their bed.

“You sure?”

“Do you want the quick answer or the honest one?”

Phil sighed, “The honest one. No matter how long. I want to know if you’re ok. It’s important to me. _You_ are important to me.”

Dan shook his head, “No. No, I’m not ok. I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m just dragging all of you along with me. None of you deserve this and half the time I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Nobody will tell me anything and I can tell that all of you just feel bad for me. I hate it. I’m sick and tired of all of this. I want to be here. I _want_ to be with you. But I don’t want this if all I’m going to do is sit around, make no money, and cause a problem. I need to get a grip and I’m trying my best but I still feel like I’m slipping. No matter how hard I try.”

His eyes filled with tears and he lied back on the bed, closing his eyes and willing the tears to stay in.

“Dan-”

“What? What are you going to say to me? That everything is ok? That I’m not causing a problem? I want the truth. Not lies that are supposed to make me feel better. All that does is make me feel worse.”

He took a deep breath in, finally letting the tears fall from his eyes and onto the bedsheets below him.

“No. I’m not going to lie to you. I’ll always be here for you. I’ve already promised myself that, and now I’m promising it to you as well. Mum doesn’t think you’re causing a problem. She’s just being a mum and trying to care for you as she sees fit. Martyn is fine, in fact, I honestly don’t think he really cares. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you though. He’s just older and doesn’t talk to any of us much. He does think you’re nice though and is fine with you being here. And the same goes for Dad. Everyone likes you, Bear. You aren’t causing any problems and I know you won’t believe me so there’s not much use telling you, but it’s true. I- I love you, ok? I want you to know that too.”

Phil fell onto the bed next to Dan, rolling the boy over to face him and pushing a piece of his hair out of his eyes.

“Do you hear me? You’re not causing any problems and I love you. I do. I love you.”

The younger boy looked over and smiled a bit.

“I love you too. I’m glad we’ve accomplished something today. We know we love each other.”

Phil laughed, jittery that they could both finally say those three words. Something so simple, yet so meaningful at the same time. 

“And…”

Dan looked over and smiled softly, “And?”

“And, no matter what, I will always love you. And be there for you. And care for you when you need me to. All because I love you and I want you to be happy. Or, at least ok. Ok is fine. But happy is even better.”

Dan’s eye’s glassed over, trying his best not to cry. He was always a mess it seemed. He just wasn’t used to being this loved.

“Ditto.” 

They didn’t speak for a while. Rather, they lied in comfortable silence, not having any words to say, but being completely happy just staring at each other.

It was strange. All of this was. And Dan especially was still figuring things out.

“We’re going to have to talk about it eventually, you know.”

Phil blinked, disrupted from the previous silence.

“Talk about…”

Dan nodded. Phil sighed. He knew it was an upsetting topic.

“That’s alright. I’m here to talk about it whenever you want to. Ok?”

“Can we now?”

Phil smiled sadly but nodded his head.

“If you want to, then, of course, we can.”

Dan let out a nervous breath. “Thank fuck. It’s been bothering me forever it seems.”

“Sorry, we haven’t talked about it already.”

He shook his head before running his hand through his hair, “No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Seriously.”

Phil nodded, “Ok. Go ahead, I’m all ears.”

_“Daniel! You’re finally telling him. Thank fuck, I’ve been waiting for ages.”_

He didn’t want to answer but figured saying nothing would be less helpful than if he did answer.

_“Yes, Jacob. I’m going to tell him. But with the amount of time I’m losing, I’m sure he already knows. So, don’t get too excited.”_

Dan smiled again and took a breath before starting to speak, trying to ignore Jacob as he continued to ramble.

“Ok, so I’ve heard voices for the majority of my life. It never really bothered me though. I thought it was normal. I thought they were imaginary friends. But I always heard their voices, and more recently I’ve started to communicate with them. Sometimes they give me really bad headaches because they want to take over and I won’t let them. I know they do sometimes. I can feel when they’re going to, and especially because I lose time afterward. I asked their names, and I found out… a few. I know Fiona. She’s been there the longest I think. And I now Jacob. He’s also been there for a pretty long time. There are a few others, like Harper and Roman. There’s also Lex. He’s mean though. I don’t like him. He was talking a lot earlier.”

Phil smiled and took Dan’s hand into his own, trying his best to reassure him.

“Do you know anything else about them? Like their ages? Or maybe why they’re there?”

Dan shrugged.

“It’s kind of hard to talk to them sometimes. I really just hear them. I know that Fiona is twenty three. A caregiver I think she said. And Jacob is seventeen. He told me he was there to protect me. Uhm, I remember Harper making it very clear to me that _they_ go by they/them pronouns. And they’re there to help with whoever fronts? That’s what they said, but I don’t really know what that means. And then Roman. He’s really sweet. He’s really little though. Like, I think he’s only four years old. He doesn’t take over that much though. Or at least I don’t think he does. I- I don’t really know.”

Phil nodded.

“Ok. That’s good. That’s really good information. And also I’m really happy that you felt safe enough to talk to me about this. You’re super valid and I love you and I will love you through all of this.”

Dan smiled, a genuine, happy, loving smile.

“Thank you. So much.”

“Of course. I’m here for you, Dan.”

Dan leaned over and hugged Phil, “Thank you. I’m here for you too.”

The older boy smiled again, “And don’t worry, we’ll get this all figured out. Ya?”

Dan shrugged, the remanence of a smile on his face, “Ya.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Morning.” Dan yawned, throwing his arm over Phil’s torso.

“It’s morning already?”

Phil giggled at his still exhausted boyfriend.

“Yes, silly. It’s morning.”

“Oh, alright.” The boy yawned again, trying to hide his head in the crook of Phil’s neck.

“Dan, I think you’re going to get a therapist today. Is that ok?”

It took him a moment to process what was just said, but once he did he huffed and finally moved from his current position to sit up.

“I suppose. It’ll be best once I finally get one, so it might as well be today. Maybe then I’ll finally figure out what’s wrong with me.”

Phil frowned. “Nothing’s _wrong_ with you Dan. I hope you know that. You’re amazing and I love you just the way you are.”

“No no, something’s definitely wrong with me. I mean, I don’t think most people hear voices that can take over their bodies. I’m probably _literally_ crazy or some shit.”

The elder of the two sighed and rolled his eyes. “You aren’t crazy and don’t say that. Whatever is going on will be figured out, ok? It’s ok. And whatever reason that does happen, it was probably formed as a safety mechanism. So, I don’t want you thinking you’re crazy. I don’t want you thinking any less of yourself, because you’re perfect just the way you are. Ya?”

The corners of Dan’s mouth lifted, “Ya, ok. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

-

“Mrs. Lester?”

Dan’s voice rung out through the halls as he ran down towards the living room.

“Dan! Hi! What’s wrong?” She looked up from where she was sitting on the couch, waving the boy over to sit next to her.

He sat and collected his breath before speaking again.

“I know I seem like I’ve been going crazy, and I’m really sorry for that by the way-”

Kath shook her head, “No, no. Don’t be sorry. None of this is your fault. Now, continue.”

“Sorry, umm, I think I’m ready to get a therapist though. That’s what I wanted to say.”

The older lady smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “Dan, that’s lovely. I have done a lot of research and I think I’ve found the best one if you wanted to try her out? I’ve already called previously and she said she could have appointments ready as early as tomorrow? Would that be alright?”

Dan fiddled with his hands nervously and smiled, nodding his head.

“That should be fine, thank you so much.”

Kath smiled back and nodded at him.

“I’ll make sure to schedule the appointment.”

_“Daniel, I want to talk. Let me talk to her.”_

Dan felt his heartbeat quicken as he quickly shook his head, hoping to ward off the voice he was hearing.

“What’s wrong dear?”

The woman had noticed his quick distress, hoping she hadn’t done something to bother him.

Though Dan wanted to answer, his mind had begun to go fuzzy, flickering his eyes a few times and quickly becoming much too dissociated to notice what was going on around him. He wanted to hang on but was pushed away by Jacob who quickly took over the body.

“Mrs. Lester?”

Kath still looked concerned, having obviously noticed the switch, but still not sure if that’s what had happened.

“Dan?

The boy shook his head.

“No, ma’am, this is Jacob. I’m here to protect him, but I wanted to talk to you if that was alright.”

Kath smiled sweetly, keeping her full attention on Jacob as he spoke.

“This is all very confusing, that much I understand. I do know that you are planning on getting a therapist for us, yes?”

The older woman nodded her head, “I was getting one for Dan, but yes I suppose you could all speak to her.”

“Ok, well, yes, we will all be speaking with her. Moving on, I want you to know that I, and the rest of the system, have agreed upon fronting, AKA taking over the body, more often-”

“Well, shouldn’t you talk to Dan about that? It is his body after all. And all of this is very confusing and upsetting for him.”

Jacob’s eyes went wide, “We have as much right to the body as Daniel does. It’s not _his_ body. It’s all of ours. Just because he identifies with the body and the given name, doesn’t mean he has more right to it than we do. Yes, we are all aware that this is confusing and upsetting for him. Do you not think it was confusing for us at first too? Because it was.”

The boy took a breath before continuing, “ _And,_ we are all here to help Daniel and one another. We are all allowed to have access to the body. We’d like to make friends. We want to pursue fun hobbies and learn more about our interests. We are all _separate_ people. Just because we don’t have our own body, doesn’t mean we aren’t valid.”

Kath smiled a bit, “I apologize. I realize that must have been a rude statement. Yes, I suppose you all have a right to the body and doing your own thing. This will take a little getting used to, but if you all could help educate me, and everyone else, that would be very much appreciated.”

Jacob gave a small nod before standing up.

“I’m going back up to talk with Phil about this. Thank you, though, I’ll need to do a bit more research myself, but yes I can help educate.”

“Alright dear, take care.”

With a small smile and another nod, Jacob headed up the stairs and into the room he knew as Phil’s.

“Phil?”

He looked up from staring at his laptop, smiling at the boy who he thought was Dan.

“Hey, Dan! How’d it go with Mum?”

Jacob came into the room, shutting the door behind him, and sat in the desk chair near Phil’s bed.

“It’s Jacob, and it went fine. I’ve been told to help inform everyone a little about us.”

The boy opposite him smiled, “Oh ok, Jacob. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. We could always just hang out or something if you’d like?”

For the first time, he genuinely smiled and let out a small laugh, “It’s nice to finally be treated as a person and not just someone who needs to give out information, isn’t it?”

“Have you not been being treated as a human? That’s messed up, I’m sorry.”

Jacob waved him off, “Please, don’t worry about it, mate. I’m fine, and you’re chill, so its al good. But ya, I’d rather not just have to give out a bunch of information now. All I’ll say is that we’re getting a therapist and have an appointment with her tomorrow.”

Phil smiled. “That’s good… Is that good?”

He nodded. “Yes, that’s good.”

“Well, anyway, if you didn’t just want to have to inform me, we could watch a movie or show or something if you’d like?”

Again, Jacob smiled, now moving to the bed to better see the tv screen.

“Yea, that sounds great. What do you wanna watch?”

Without a moment of hesitation, Phil turned on the tv, already having a DVD in there with the show he wanted to watch… “Buffy.”

The younger snorted, covering his mouth as to not be too loud.

Phil looked over, only slightly offended, though still holding back his own laughter. “What? Why’re you laughing?”

“Nothing. I just- you’re totally someone who would watch Buffy.”

He let out a laugh, “Yes? And I do. So what?” He shrugged and waved Jacob away.

“Nah mate, that’s great. There’s nothing wrong with that. Turn on the show. I haven’t seen it before, but I certainly know what it’s about.”

The two broke out into laughter as the show finally started, now fully making fun of the show the entire time they watched it.

It was nice for both of them, but Jacob especially. He had never felt as though he would be able to make friends without just being seen as anything but an alter. But it seemed that he had made a friend. A _real_ friend. And that was all that mattered to him.


	5. Chapter 5

The light of the moon shone through the window, startling Dan as he blinked back into consciousness. It had happened again. He could remember bits and pieces, but for the most part… nothing. It terrified him. Having someone else completely take over your body, and then to come back and not remember what happened. He didn’t want to deal with it. He couldn’t.

Dan was currently sitting in bed next to Phil who was, from the looks of it, asleep. He was thankful that all of the Lester’s were taking this so well. They really were like family to him. Better than his real one, that’s for sure. He was grateful to have them, no matter how many times he may have felt like he was causing an inconvenience. 

After a few more minutes of pointless staring and empty thoughts, the boy decided it best to try and get some sleep. He hadn’t any idea what time it was, but it was dark and the rest of the house seemed to be quiet. Whoever had taken over his body before must not have been tired as he was still wearing his shirt and jeans, whereas he usually slept in his boxers.

After quickly changing, Dan finally climbed back into bed with Phil, careful as to not wake the sleeping boy up.

-

The morning came quickly. Too quickly. Neither of the boys wanted to stay awake. But Dan had his first appointment with a therapist, which he really wasn’t looking forward to. Phil on the other hand was nervous for Dan. He wanted him to get the help he needed, but he also knew how scary and stressful it might be for him.

_“You’re up.”_

_“Morning Daniel”_

_“Go back to sleep it’s too early.”_

His head whirled. The voices were still there. Thoughts that weren’t hit bombarded him. He just wanted to ignore them. He wished he could be normal. That they’d go away. It really was too early- 

“Dan, you ok?”

He looked over, a bit startled, and brushed a hair out of his eyes, “Yea, I’m ok.”

Phil smiled softly, pressing a small kiss to Dan’s forehead.

“That’s good.”

A few moments of silence passed between the two of them before Dan spoke up again, “I’m not very excited to meet this therapist later. I know she’s supposed to help, but I don’t know. I suppose the entire idea of therapy scares me a bit.”

The older boy frowned. “I’ve never been to therapy, so I can’t say, but I’m sure everything will be alright. And I’ll be here for you when you get back home. And we can talk about anything you want to, ya?”

Dan nodded and smiled, “We should probably get ready then. Therapy starts at noon which is in an hour.”

Phil agreed before finally sitting up and rolling out of bed, Dan following shortly after.

The two quickly dressed before heading downstairs where Kath was waiting with breakfast made.

“Well, good morning boys! I’ve made bacon and eggs if you’d like. We also have cereal if you’d rather have that.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Lester.”

“Thank’s Mum.”

The two boys answered in unison, Dan grabbing a plate for eggs and bacon as Phil reached for a cereal bowl, not having a particularly fond taste for eggs.

“Could we please sit together? I’d like to discuss a few things.”

With a small smile, Dan nodded and sat down at the dining table where Kath was now sitting, Phil following shortly behind.

The younger boy smiled sheepishly, messing with his food as he ate, “What did you want to talk about?”

_“She’s probably kicking you out for being a freak.”_

He could feel his body tense and his cheeks heat. Not this. Not right now. He didn’t want this. 

It was another voice. Dan recognized it. He had been calling himself Lex. A menacing name for a menacing voice. Dan didn’t like it.

“Bear are you ok?” Phil leaned over and whispered in the boy’s ear.

All he could do was nod his head, he didn’t want to alert either of them to the fact that voices were currently speaking.

“You sure?”

He nodded again, “I’m sure. Don’t worry.”

Kath gave a small reassuring smile before starting to speak.

“Dan, I just wanted to ask if you were doing alright. I know things are hard right now, but we’re extremely happy to have you here and just wanted you to know that you could speak with us whenever you wanted, ok?”

The boy nervously fiddled with the hem on his shirt as he nodded along, agreeing with what the older woman was saying to him.

“And, we do need to head out in just a few minutes, but this therapist is supposed to be really good, so she should be able to help you feel better and understand what is happening! Hopefully, you’re ok with that.”

Dan nodded, “Of course. Are we ready to go now?”

Kath smiled, “Yes dear, let’s go.”

-

The two arrived to the office at a quarter to noon, early enough to fill out the few necessary papers and have enough time for Kath to help calm Dan down a bit, though soon enough he was being whisked back into the office, alone.

-

“Hello, Daniel.”

He sat across from the woman called Natalie, who was supposed to be his new therapist.

She seemed nice enough. Blue eyes with blonde hair cut into a bob, and a robin egg blue dress to go with her black heels. A very professional look. Hopefully, she did more than look the part.

“Hi.” He gave her an awkward handshake before sinking down into the small sofa he was sitting on.

“So dear, I want to get to know a bit about you. Maybe a bit of back story? I’ll make sure to ask questions so it won’t be too difficult. Ok?”

The boy nodded before she continued speaking.

“From what I know, the main issue is that you’ve been hearing voices that can take over your body? Like possession?”

Dan gulped and looked up from where he had been messing with his hands.

“It’s not possession. I’m not possessed.”

The lady shook her head, “Sorry dear, I didn’t mean for it to sound that way. But do I have that information correct?”

He blinked a few times, heat rushing to his cheeks, “Yes ma’am.”

_“Is this who’s supposed to be helping us?”_

Dan felt a headache building but did his best to ignore it, not wanting the therapist or anyone else to know that the voices were currently speaking.

“Could I ask you a few personal questions?”

Dan shrugged, “What for?”

“It’s just standard procedure.”

He took in a deep breath, “Sure.”

Soon enough she was asking questions about his mental health and going into depth about his thoughts and behaviors. It was strange and uncomfortable and he was too afraid to open up about anything. She tried her best to ask questions about the voices, but even then, Dan was much too afraid to mention that they were talking.

“Please work with me. I know it’s difficult, I really do. But please.”

He shook his head, his eyes pricking with hot tears.

_“Daniel you really need to answer her. It is important for all of us. Please.”_

Fiona spoke. The one who called herself a caretaker. She really was soothing. She continued to speak as the therapist asked questions.

“Fine.”

The woman across from him smiled before continuing with her many questions.

“How many voices are there?”

It took him another few moments before he answered, “There’s like six or seven of them.”

Natalie looked up at him before looking back down at her clipboard and jotting something down.

“Would you say they speak often? Perhaps they comment on everyday things that you do?”

Dan sighed, “They speak fairly often. And yes.”

Again, she looked down at her clipboard and jotted something down.

“Only a few more questions.”

“Ok.”

“Would you say you have moments where you blackout? Or as some call it, “lose time”?

He nodded, “Well, yes.”

For the last time, Natalie jotted a note in her clipboard.

“Daniel, have you ever heard of dissociative identity disorder, or, DID?”

His heart dropped. A disorder. Of course. And one that sounded horrible.

“I don’t believe so.”

“Ok, well Daniel, I cannot currently diagnose you, but I believe that may be what you have. These voices that you’re describing sound a lot like what we would call ‘alters.’”

Dan nodded, “Ok. Ok, so what am I supposed to do with that information?”

The therapist smiled sweetly, “Just take your time. Get to know any of the voices that you can. Do you know what they look like?”

He shrugged, “A bit.”

“Ok good, thank you, Daniel. You did very well. I’m not going to push anything right now, but maybe next time we see each other one of them can talk?”

“One of the voices?”

She nodded, “Yes, I’m just saying that it would be nice to meet one of them, but for now, have a wonderful day Daniel.”

He smiled before getting up- “Oh, of course, you have a wonderful day as well.”


	6. Chapter 6

“There’s no way. She must have the wrong idea. I knew there was something wrong with me but that disorder isn’t for me. I wasn’t- I wasn’t hurt bad enough. There’s no way I could’ve created ‘alters.’ I don’t understand.” 

Dan was starting to panic. That much was clear to everyone around him.

“Dear, please take deep breaths. Everything will be ok. We’ll figure this out.”

Kath sat next to the young boy, speaking as calmly as possible. She had been able to keep everyone accept for Phil out of the room, helping calm things down, just a bit.

“Bear, I promise it’s alright. Everything will be alright, and that wasn’t a diagnosis. It’s just a thought.”

Phil sat close to Dan, lightly resting his hand on the boy’s upper thigh, hoping to contribute to the calming nature of his mum.

“B- but I don’t think- No I can’t have…”

He trailed off, not forming complete sentences but rather speaking in short thoughts that weren’t totally put together. It was a miracle he hadn’t completely broken down yet.

“Would you feel better if you went up to Phil’s room? Perhaps you two can just relax and watch something on the television?”

Kath was more pushing an idea on Dan than offering one, hoping that he would agree.

Thankfully, he shook his head, finally getting up, Phil getting following after him.

“Dear, don’t worry about this all right now, ok?”

Kath stood as well, patting Dan on the shoulder before letting both boys leave.

-

Hours had passed before Dan was completely calmed down again. He wasn’t able to come to terms with what his therapist had offered as a solution. He wouldn’t believe it. Couldn’t.

Everyone had told him to ignore it for now. Come back and think about it later. Always later.

Have a breakdown later. Think about it later. Confront that thing later.

Dan didn’t want to come to terms with anything, and everyone seemed to be fine with it. Whether they truly thought waiting to confront an obstacle was best or they just didn’t want to deal with Dan’s emotions in the moment, everyone was still telling him to put it off.

“Dan?”

Once again, he had been caught daydreaming by Phil. He didn’t mind really, Phil had always been a good distraction.

Groggily, he moved his hands up to his eyes and rubbed at them, “I’m sorry.”

Phil frowned. 

“For what?”

Dan lowered his face into his hands and brought his knees to his chest- “Everything. I’m such a mess, I don’t understand how you’re still here helping me. I’m so incredibly thankful for you but I understand if you want me to leave. I know I do this too much. I break down too much and I don’t know why. I just want to feel better instead of feeling so fragile and broken and confused all the time. I’m so sorry that I have to burden you. I’m so so sorry.”

His voice had been muffled because of the position he was sat in, though Phil still heard every word. It made his heartbreak a bit, that Dan really thought he would leave him just because he was going through a rough patch. It happens to everyone and if anything he wanted to be there as much as he could to help make him feel better and get him any help that he needed.

“Dan. I want you to know that I would _never_ leave you because you were not doing well. I love you. I thought we had already told each other that. I love you and I’m going to stick with you whilst you figure all of this out. I want to help you feel better and get whatever help you may need. I want you. I want you to be here with me. And not once have I thought of you as a burden. Because I love you. I love you so much and as much as it breaks me to see you so upset, I’m not going to leave you because of it. I know that you’ll get through this. And you won’t be alone. You’ll have me and Mum right beside you.”

Dan released several muffled sobs before lifting his head to look at Phil. He didn’t understand how he could deserve so much love. Nobody had ever treated him like this. Nobody had ever been this nice.

“I love you so much you don’t understand. I feel so horrible for hurting you. I love you so much. Thank you for all of this. Thank you. Thank you for being here with me.”

Phil moved to wipe the tears off of Dan’s face.

“I will _always_ be here for you.”

He moved closer once more, closing the distance and pressing their lips together. No matter how much he wanted to cry, he wouldn’t. He was going to stay strong for Dan. That’s what he needed to do.

-

_“Are you just going to pretend we’re not here?”_

Of course. Another voice. At this point, Dan had finally started to get used to them. He could identify them better now and didn’t feel like he was going to break down every time one of them spoke. Answering them was another thing. It was difficult sometimes. He didn’t want to think out loud so he’d try to think back to them. It didn’t always work great. Luckily it was currently working out well.

_“No. I’m not pretending you’re not there. I know you are. You’re Jacob, right?”_

He could sort of picture him in his mind. Tall, slender, black hair with green eyes. He wore a baby blue hoodie with black jeans. The rest was blurry. He would have to focus more to make it all out but that would give him a headache so he didn’t.

_“Yes Daniel, this is Jacob. I’m surprised you’re finally communicating with us.”_

Dan rolled his eyes. Good thing Phil had fallen asleep already. Otherwise, he’d look crazy.

_“I suppose this is the best thing to do. I want to get better. Or like- at least get used to whatever this is, assuming I can’t get rid of you all.”_

_“Why would you want to get rid of us?”_

It was another voice. The one he didn’t like. The one who called himself Lex.

_“Well, I’d get rid of **you** if I could. Why are you so mean?”_

_“Oh, and you’re not? Just listen to yourself. You just told me you want to get rid of me. I’m only the way I am because I’m trying to help you and keep you safe. This is just the way I go about it. So you can fuck off if you’re going to act like that.”_

Dan gulped. He felt bad. He didn’t want to be mean. Why was he always messing up? Now Lex will probably just be meaner.

_“Hey love, it’s ok. I’m sure Lex means well, but nothing is going to get accomplished with you both upset. We need to learn to get along. And the first step is you communicating with us. So thank you for finally responding.”_

_“Fiona?”_

_“Yes, that is me.”_

With a sigh, Dan rubbed his eyes and leaned back, trying to think of something to say.

_“Am I allowed to ask why you all are here?”_

_“I’m here to protect you. That’s all I know.”_ Jacob responded first.

 _“I just want to make sure you are doing ok. Care for you I suppose. And the others. I suppose you can think of me as a parental figure if you’d like?”_ It was no surprise that Fiona was there to be a caring figure. She always helped Dan feel calm.

_“What about the others?”_

Dan knew there were more than just Fiona, Jacob, and Lex. He wanted to know why.

_“Lex, why are you here?”_

He started to nervously fidget with his hands, trying to listen closely. His head was aching but he didn’t care. He wanted to know.

_“Does it matter? I just need to make sure you’re doing the right thing and keep you fairly safe. That’s why most of us are here.”_

Dan nodded to himself. That makes more sense. He still didn’t quite understand what would’ve been bad enough for him to need them there if they really were what his therapist called ‘alters,’ but he was trying to accept that that could be what they were.

_“You should rest, dear. It’s late, isn’t it? We’re going to go to sleep.”_

The boy yawned deeply. Indeed, it was late. 

_“Goodnight.”_

He fell back into the bed and moved closer to Phil, his body warmth providing enough heat for Dan to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. He’d mention the conversation with the voices to Phil in the morning.

-

Kath was already in the kitchen cooking breakfast when both boys headed downstairs that morning. It smelled of pancakes, making Phil’s stomach growl. They had always been his favorite food. 

“Morning boys! Hope you’re both hungry. Food will be served in a few minutes. Feel free to sit down.”

The two boys thanked her quickly before walking towards the dining table and sitting down.

“Phil, I need to tell you something.”

Dan smiled as he waited for a reply allowing him to continue.

Phil gave him a questioning look. “Go on.”

The boy smiled wider before speaking again.

“This may take a few minutes, so brace yourself, but, I think I’m getting used to this. I didn’t freak out the last time I heard the voices and I actually had quite a nice conversation with them!”

Phil’s face lit up. “Really?! What’d you talk about?”

“Well, I heard the one called Jacob first. He was just trying to get my attention. And at first I was planning on ignoring it because I became extremely anxious from hearing them again, but then I just decided to reply. And everything was ok. We spoke. And so did the one called Fiona and the one called Lex. And I didn’t freak out!”

Phil moved excitedly, telling Dan how proud of him he was. 

“This is progress!”

Dan nodded. “Yup. And I’ve been taking into consideration what my therapist said and even though I don’t really understand what dissociative identity order is I’m willing to accept it if that’s what it is.” The boy spoke slowly as if to not trip over his own words.

“That’s really amazing, Bear.” Phil smiled widely, wanting to show Dan how genuinely happy he was for him.

-

-

*skip forward to September 2010*

“Hi, again Daniel.”

“Hi, Natalie.”

The therapist smiled back at him. The two had become closer in the past few months. Dan had finally gained her trust and she had been able to meet a few of his alters. It was good for all parties involved. Dan had become much stabler and was living with Phil in a small Manchester apartment. And he didn’t need to worry about college anymore as he had dropped out. There was too much stress and having alters wasn’t something that was helpful in such a social situation. But overall, things were ok. He was ok.

“You look happy today. How is everything going?”

Dan smiled. “Good. Things are pretty good.”

“That’s good. How is everyone on the inside?”

By that, she meant the alters. The voices. The inside was the headspace. That’s what it was called. That’s where the alters were when they weren’t fronting. She had explained them really well. In a way that Dan was ok with. 

They were created to help when nobody else could. 

They are good. 

They are called alters but they are just like people. They have different ages, names, personalities, appearances, and in this case, what Natalie called, ‘roles.’ Each person in the system has a role. Dan for example is what Natalie called the ‘host.’ He is the person that is in the body most often. That’s what she called ‘fronting.’

All of this was interesting to Dan. He wasn’t afraid of it anymore and that was an amazing feeling. He and Phil shared information about it with each other, helping everyone better understand it. And Natalie was the biggest help. Finally, Dan had been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and he was finally feeling ok.

“Things are good. Everyone seems happy. And like you suggested, we’ve started a journal. It’s actually really good because now we all know who was fronting and when. Thank you for that suggestion by the way.”

The woman gave a small laugh. “Of course. I’m just doing my job. Now, how are things with you and Phil?”

Again, Dan lit up. 

“It’s amazing. We’re still settling into the apartment but it’s really nice. And you know how I started that YouTube channel?”

Natalie nodded.

“Well, we’ve both been having fun making videos. And we both have a good following!”

Dan’s face adorned a frown, but only for a moment, hoping Natalie wouldn’t notice.

“Dan?”

Of course, she did.

“What’s wrong? I caught that frown. What’s upsetting about the YouTube videos you’re making with Phil.”

His face fell.

“It’s nothing big, don’t worry about it.”

She huffed as she adjusted in her seat. “Daniel this is my job. I’m here to help. What’s wrong with the videos?”

“Fine. It’s just- it’s just everyone seems to want me and Phil to date and it makes me really anxious.”

“Are you and Phil not a couple?”

Dan fiddled with his hands as he replied. “Well, yes we are. But you don’t understand.”

“What don’t I understand? Can you explain it to me?”

“It’s not a lot of people but we still notice. I know it’s not a good thing for me to like boys. I shouldn’t have the feelings for Phil that I do. That’s why everyone liked to beat me up in school. Because I’m disgusting.”

Natalie gave him a sad look. “Daniel there is nothing wrong with liking boys. There’s nothing wrong with the way you are. You’re perfect. Those people are wrong. And I’m not educated very much on YouTube so I’m not sure what you can do about those comments but ignore them. Perhaps you could address them but I’m not exactly sure that would be the wisest decision.”

He nodded his head. “Ok. I’ll try my best.”

“That’s all you need to do.”

They talked for a while longer, eventually finishing there session and allowing Dan to head back to Phil. Although sessions were always draining, he was still happy. He had Phil and that’s all that mattered. He had Phil and Phil accepted him. Accepted him through the hardships and the bumps in the road. 

Things were good. Things were ok. 

For now.


	7. Chapter 7

*time skip to 2012*

Things had been better. So much better. He and Phil were still happy together and appointments with his therapist had become less frequent as Dan needn’t rely on her as much. 

Dan and the rest of the system had also started journaling more, always writing down who and what time they were fronting. It was getting easier as Dan would front most often, with Jacob fronting to get them ready in the morning and chat with Phil, then whoever else wanted to front, usually Fiona or Lex, they would front in the evening.

There was a chance that a little, and, or trauma holder would front, at which point Phil had learned to stay calm and try to comfort them. Though littles also liked to interact with Phil a lot, so he had become like a caregiver for them, with Fiona helping on the inside.

After being able to be together for so long, Phil had become accustomed to the system and he quite enjoyed everyone’s presence. 

But he was still in love with Dan. Only Dan. Everything he did was adorable. The way he talked and the little quirks he had when he was excited or nervous about something. How his eyes lit up when he was happy. All of it. 

-

_“I know you’re awake. Helloooo? Daniellll?”_

Jacob’s voice echoed around in Dan’s head as he rubbed his eyes, still tired from sleep.

_“I don’t want to be. What do you want?"_

Jacob chuckled at Dan’s annoyed tone.

_“I’m bored.”_

The boy rolled his eyes and sat up in bed, trying to find a more comfortable position.

_“You bothered me because you’re **bored**?”_

_“Yes..?”_

Dan huffed.

_“Of course you did. Well, what can I do about it.”_

Jacob thought for a moment before deciding.

_“I’m gonna front.”_

Dan felt himself grow very dissociated very quickly, the world around him becoming fuzzy and his head pounding.

_“Wh- a- Jacob-”_

Not even a minute later Jacob had forced himself to front, leaving Dan totally out of control of the body.

“Well, that’s better,” Jacob muttered to himself as he looked down at the body and then to the right of him, seeing Phil still sleeping peacefully under the grey comforter.

With some quick thinking, the boy decided he would make breakfast for the two of them. From what he knew, Phil usually cooked, but it was still early enough that he could please Phil by waking up to the smell of coffee and pancakes. Still, something that both of them favored.

Jacob smiled to himself as he walked into the kitchen, turning on the coffee pot and then grabbing the box mix for pancakes. He didn’t know how to make the batter homemade, and the box mix tasted just as good. Quickly, he turned on the stovetop and grabbed a pan to cook the pancakes on.

It didn’t take long before two stacks of pancakes and two cups of coffee sitting on the kitchen table waiting to be consumed.

Jacob looked around for a moment, making sure everything looked good, before heading back into the bedroom Dan had been sharing with Phil, planning on waking the boy up. He knocked before entering, not wanting to startle Phil if he was already awake.

“Phil! Phil wake up I made breakfast! It’s pancakes! Your favorite!”

He shifted in the bed, slowly opening his eyes to see Jacob standing in the doorway. 

“Morning. Jacob?”

He laughed and shook his head- “You always know it’s me. How?”

Phil’s eyebrows knitted together.

“Well, you talk differently. The way you walk is different. Energy levels… you know, just small things that are different from all the others. I’ve been getting pretty good at this after living with you all for a few years.”

Jacob nodded his understanding, a smile still plastered on his face.

“Breakfast?”

Phil smiled, “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“Ok, well hurry or it’ll be cold.”

Phil entered the kitchen a few minutes later, as promised, fully dressed and seemingly excited for the food.

“Whoah, it smells amazing!”

Jacob’s smiled widened, “Thank you! I wanted to wait but I already started eating and, in my humble opinion, it tastes amazing as well.”

Phil sat down and smothered the pancakes in syrup- yes, smothered- the syrup almost overflowed onto the table. He took a few quick bites, looking like a wild animal who hadn’t eaten in months.

“Whoah.” He looked across the table at Jacob.

“Yeah?!” The boy excitedly bounced in his chair, excited to have made such a good meal.

“Yeah, it tastes amazing.”

They ate quickly, making small talk but still enjoying the food.

-

As the afternoon approached, Jacob let Dan front as there was filming and other work that needed to get done.

“Phil, should we film a video together today?” 

Dan had been slightly afraid to post videos with both of them in it recently as all of the comments seemed to be about ‘how cute they were together.’ He hadn’t wanted people to know about their relationship. He didn’t want them to know he was _gay._ I

t had always been such a big thing for him. It terrified him. He was literally _afraid_ of it. The more he thought about it the more he remembered being bullied at school. It was terrifying. 

_“Daniel. It’s ok. Nobody knows, ok? It’ll be ok. Everything is ok. Stay calm. Take deep breaths.”_

Fiona’s voice echoed in his mind, guiding his thoughts away from the matter at hand.

_“Sorry. Ok.”_

“Dan?”

His head snapped up to look at Phil who had a look of concern on his face.

“Oh- ya? Sorry.”

Phil shook his head.

“No, don’t be sorry. It’s ok. Are you alright? You looked a little spaced out there and like you weren’t breathing.”

Dan nodded, “I’m fine. What were you saying?”

“Ok, um, I was just saying that ya we should probably film together soon because we haven’t uploaded a video together in a while.”

Dan tried his best to smile, though it probably came across as a sneer.

“Ok. That sounds good.”

“Dan?”

Phil prodded the boy, knowing something was wrong.

“What?”

He shook his head, not wanting to get into an argument right now.

“Dan, come on. Is everything ok? We don’t have to film together if you don’t want to. I’m certainly not going to be upset.”

Dan frowned, “No it’s ok, really. We can film together. Everything’s fine.”

Phil knew it wasn’t but he didn’t want to upset Dan anymore than he already seemed to be.

They walked to Phil’s bedroom where they filmed their videos together. Although Phil rarely slept in his own bedroom, it was still technically his own.

“What’re we filming?”

Phil walked around setting up the camera as he thought or a moment.

“I’m not really sure.”

Dan sat down on the side of the bed, racking his brain for any idea he might have.

_“You should film a day in the life. People would love it.”_

Lex? He didn’t seem to have good ideas very often.

_“You really think so?”_

_“Yes, I do. You have shit to do today anyway, don’t be lazy, fat ass.”_

There it was, the usual snarl. Dan rolled his eyes, ignoring his voice.

“Phil, what if we filmed a day in the life video?”

Phil looked up at Dan, partly surprised to hear the suggestion.

“Actually, that sounds like a great idea. Are we gonna go into town then? Do something like a day in the life of Dan and Phil in Manchester?”

The boy nodded, “That sounds good. Do you think people will like it?”

Phil smiled, “Ya, I do. I think they’ll love it.”

A smile tugged at the corner of Dan’s mouth- “Ok! Maybe this will help get my mind off of things. Getting out and filming. It’ll be fun.”

Phil tried to ignore the fact that Dan still seemed to be acting strangely and sat down next to him on the bed. 

“Ready to film the intro?”

Dan nodded and moved further away from Phil, causing him to barely be in the shot.

Phil didn’t question it. He didn’t want to cause any more problems. 

“Hey, guys!”

“Hello, internet!”

The two smiled and laughed as they filmed the intro, though tension was still heavy in the air. Phil didn’t know what the problem was, but Dan seemed to be more uncomfortable around him than ever before.

They went throughout the day seemingly fine. They stopped at Starbucks for coffee, went to a few shops to buy gifts and knick-knacks for the quickly approaching holidays, and stopped for milkshakes before they went home. They laughed and smiled as they entered the apartment, filming the outro to the video and turning off the camera for the night.

“Is this going on my channel?”

Phil asked as he slipped the sd card out of the camera and carried it to his computer.

“Ya, I think. I can help edit though, ya?”

Phil nodded, “Ya, of course.”

He looked up at Dan with a questioning look- “Dan, and you don’t _have_ to tell me, but you’ve been off and you don’t seem ok. What’s going on?”

Dan looked over and frowned, looking back down at nervously fiddling with his hands.

“Nothing’s going on. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Are you just anxious or nervous about something?” Phil frowned as well.

“Something like that I guess.”

Phil moved from his computer to sit next to Dan, wanting to comfort him but not cross any of the boundaries that Dan seemed to have recently put up.

“Can I hug you?” Phil was being cautious, for the first time in a long time he was nervous. Nervous and worried. Not just about Dan but about their relationship.

Thankfully though, Dan nodded. His stomach turning sour as tears pricked at his eyes, causing them to sting as he tried to hold in the tears that Phil was causing him to produce. No. It wasn’t Phil’s fault. It was his own. He was letting everything get to him. Every comment. Every thought. Every memory of being hurt by people who he was supposed to feel safe around. All for being the way he was. For liking Phil in a way that he shouldn’t.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Phil let go of Dan and back away slowly, he wasn’t sure what he had done but he saw Dan’s wet cheeks and knew something was wrong. His heart sank. Those weren’t words he had hoped to hear.

“What?”

Dan shook his head and used the palm of his hand to wipe at the tears on his face.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Phil’s words seemed to catch in his throat.

“Dan? D-do what? Did I do something? I’m really sorry. We can discuss it. I-”

Dan got up from his spot and grasped at his stomach. He felt sick.

 _“Dan what are you doing?”_ Fiona’s voice.

 _“What happened? Daniel? Why’re you doing this? Did Phil do something?”_ More voices, this one belonging to Jacob.

_“Daniel?”_

_“You ass, what’re you doing? You know he’ll never love you now. You worthless piece of shit.”_ Lex. 

Always there to put him in his place.

But there were more. More whispering. More talking. Voices he’d never heard before. Not something he wanted to think about. Were there more? New alters? He didn’t want to know. 

“I just can’t do this. I need to be alone. Sleep in your own bed. We’re done. I- I’m sorry.”

Dan rushed away, his ears not hearing properly and the world seeming to blink in and out of existence. It seemed like he was hearing in waves. Phil calling after him and crying. It was dramatic. More so than he had hoped.

Heartbreaking. That’s what it was. His stomach twisted more. He felt sick. He fell into his bed. One he had been sharing with Phil for the past two years. Phil rarely slept on his own. Mostly because Dan didn’t want him to. And because Dan always had trouble sleeping.

Things were noisy inside his head. Everyone was talking and all Dan wanted was for them to shut up. He was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and overstimulated and crying. He couldn’t stop crying. It was late and things had been going so well. So so well. And he just messed it all up. 

_“Good job you piece of shit. You’re great at fucking things up.”_ Lex spoking again, sending Dan over the edge. He turned off his lights and crawled in bed, using a pillow to drown out the agonizing sound of his sobs. He didn’t want to live anymore. Of course, he messed this up. The one chance he had at happiness.

He punched his bed, glad for the foaminess as it wasn’t noisy, nor did it hurt. He punched it again. And again. Until he exhausted himself enough to lie back on his pillow, salty tears still streaming from his eyes, and fall asleep. 

This world was too tiring. Too difficult. Too hard.


	8. Chapter 8

“Good morning Dan, it’s nice to see you.”

Dan shot a small smile at his therapist as he sat down on the couch across from her.

“Morning Natalie.”

She frowned.

“Something’s wrong. What’s happened. How have the last few weeks been?”

Dan shrugged.

“Could be better.”

Natalie looked down at her notebook and started jotting down notes as usual.

“Have you been journaling still? And how is the system.”

He sighed, “Not much. And confusing.”

Natalie looked up at Dan and nodded.

“Why do you say it’s confusing? Last time we talked you said everything was going smoothly. What’s changed?”

Dan fiddled nervously as the woman eyed him up and down, focusing on his body movement and continuously jotting down notes.

“I- um, well, I don’t know. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

He tried to dismiss the question, knowing in the back of his mind it was pointless because just as he had thought, Natalie continued to press.

“I don’t care if you think it’s nothing because if it’s new or confusing for you and the system then you should tell me. Remember, I’m here to help you.”

Once again, Dan sighed.

“I think… I think there are new ones?”

She gazed at him with a questioning look on her face.

“New ones? New alters? Are you hearing voices you haven’t heard before?”

Dan nodded and looked down at his lap, continuing to fiddle with his hands.

It didn’t go unnoticed by Natalie.

“Would you like a fidget toy? You look anxious.”

She jerked her head toward a bookshelf, indicating the boxes on it that were full of small toys.

“Oh um, I don’t know. I’ve never used one before.”

Natalie smiled, “That’s fine, I’ll pick one out for you. If you don’t like it or feel uncomfortable using it that’s totally fine and you don’t have to.”

She quickly got up and opened a box, scrambling through the toys inside until she found a baby blue one, made of a rubbery material. She brought it over and gently handed it to the boy. Upon closer inspection, Dan found that it was a rubbery ball in the shape of an atom. It was stretchy and something he found he enjoyed silently stretching. 

“Thank you!” He smiled as he looked down at the toy and back up at the therapist.

She chuckled, “Of course. Now, you said you were hearing new voices?”

“Yes. But I didn’t know that that could happen. I don’t understand it.”

She scribbled down some more before nodding her head and speaking again.

“New alters can form when more trauma occurs.”

Dan’s face blushed, realizing what she was insinuating. 

He didn’t want to talk about any current trauma.

“So… What’s been happening that you aren’t telling me. Is it the YouTube thing? Has something major happened between you and Phil?”

The boy shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest in a kind of protective way that made him feel as if he could hide from Natalie.

The most he could do was whisper the word “no.”

“Dan, come on. The only way I can help you is if you tell me.”

He closed his eyes as he buried his head deeper into his knees.

_“I want to talk to her.”_

Dan heard Jacob’s voice and shook his head.

_“Why? Why, why, why-”_

_“Just let me talk.”_

Dan shook his head a looked up at the woman sitting across from him, looking towards him with a concerned expression.

“Are you alright Daniel?”

He nodded.

“Give me a minute.”

“No problem.”

Dan felt the world become further away as he let his head fall into his hands. His heartbeat seemed to ring out through his head as a throbbing headache formed. Soon enough he no longer had control.

Jacob blinked, looking around the room for a moment as he tried to ground himself.

“Hello.”

Natalie smiled, “Hello, who’s this?”

“It’s Jacob.”

She nodded and looked down at her notebook as she quickly scribbled out a few words.

“Hi, Jacob! Do you know what’s going on?”

It was his turn to nod.

“Yes, I’ve been listening to the conversation the entire time. And I’d like to comment on what’s been going on since Daniel obviously won’t.”

Natalie looked happy to hear him say that he’d tell her whatever had been happening.

“That’s good. Thank you. So, I heard there are new alters. What’s been going on that could’ve caused it.”

Jacob rubbed his temple, his head still throbbing with a headache as he tried to think of the right words to say.

“Well, first off, Daniel ended- or more so stopped- things with Phil.”

Natalie gasped, “Things had been going so well though. What happened?”

Her eyebrows knit together as she looked at the boy.

“I think it’s because of the YouTube comments insinuating that the two of them were together. From what I know, it’s bringing back bad memories and it’s scaring him. Though many of the comments aren’t insulting or bad, it’s just the fact that they are calling him ‘gay’ and saying he and Phil are together. I’m sure he’s told you about what happened to him when he had been called ‘gay’ and ‘homo’ in the past.”

He frowned, desperately wishing things could be easier for him. All of them.

“I do know, and it’s awful. Do you think that Dan could try and explain any of this to Phil? Has he tried to talk about it at all?”

Jacob shook his head.

“He won’t talk about it. Even when he thinks about it he becomes shaky and extremely anxious. I don’t think that would do anything but make him breakdown and push him further from Phil.”

Natalie took in the information, searching for what advice to give him.

“What if you or another alter told Phil?”

His eyes widened.

“I hadn’t thought about that!”

The woman smiled, “Do you think it could work?”

Jacob shrugged, “I don’t think it would hurt to try. Communication is needed between the two of them right now and Daniel won’t tell him anything.”

Natalie gave a curt nod before moving onto the next topic.

“So, the new alters- have any of you been able to communicate with them?”

He moved his head side to side, “Sort of. There are two new alters. I’ve only been able to get the name and age of one of them. That’s all I know about them though.”

Natalie wrote something on her notebook once more and spoke up, “Could you tell me?”

Jacob nodded.

“The one I know is called Aiden and they said they’re nineteen.”

“That’s good. I won’t push, but do you know why he-”

“They,” Jacob interrupted her.

“They?”

“Yes, they.”

She nodded, “Do you know why _they_ are there? Do they have a role?”

Jacob shrugged.

“Not sure yet. I’ll try to get more information about them by the next time we come.”

Natalie smiled.

“That’s good. I know we went a little over our time but I don’t have another client until two and it’s only one now, so it should be fine.”

The boy quirked his head, “Will we have to pay extra?”

She shook her head, “Of course, not. Just relax and try to learn about the new alters. See you guys next time.”

Jacob smiled as he waved goodbye, walking out of her office door.

“Thank you, have a good day!”

-

Dan was the one fronting when he arrived back to the flat, trying his best to rush past Phil and into his room.

“Dan, wait!”

Phil stood from the sofa and stood infront of the boy, holding his hands out in a hope to capture Dan’s attention.

He looked at his feet, refusing to meet Phil’s eyes.

“What do you want?”

Phil’s heart dropped. He hadn’t thought Dan would be so upset. And he still didn’t understand why.

“I just- I don’t know.” He tried to get Dan to look at him, “I just want to know what happened. I don’t understand why you broke things off so suddenly-”

Dan started to shake his head and move to the side, seemingly wanting to head into his room.

“Please, Dan. I love you. Still. And I’m sorry if that’s not what you want. I thought- I thought things were ok. I thought everything was good. I don’t know what happened. I just want to know.”

Tears welled in Dan’s eyes again. Guilt heavy in his chest.

“I’M NOT GAY! I _CAN’T_ be. Ok? It’s just not me. We’ll talk about this later. I just don’t want to see you anymore.”

With that, he walked off, not truly having any intention of continuing the conversation at any point that night.

_“Why are you such a bloody idiot?”_

Dan ignored Lex as he jumped into his bed, covering his face with a pillow.

_“All he wants is to know why you broke things off with him. And now you fucking say you aren’t gay? You’re a FUCKING idiot Daniel. And you’re ignoring him. AND us. I’d like to know why you’re ignoring everyone again. AND lying.”_

His breathing hitched but he wasn’t going to make anyone aware of the silent tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn’t seem to get anything right at this point.

_“Lex. Be quiet. He obviously doesn’t need you berating him right now.”_

Dan heard Fiona’s voice and calmed immediately. She always seemed to know what to do. She was comforting. Like a soft blanket that was fresh from the wash. Warm and soft and comforting.

_“I’m not ignoring you guys. I just wish you didn’t exist.”_

He heard Fiona sigh.

_“Daniel. You do know we’re here to help you. Things would be way worse without us.”_

He wouldn’t admit it but he knew she was right. Without them guiding and helping him through trauma he probably wouldn’t even be alive.

_“Ok, well…. I’m just stressed. And confused. I’m sorry.”_

He could tell he was becoming dissociated because the world around him was becoming blurry and he felt as if he was floating above the air. Watching his body as it lied on the bed below. 

_“Who’s in the body right now?”_

Dan was no longer watching his body, but he most certainly wasn’t in control of it either.

_“I’m not sure. Is it one of the new alters?”_

He gulped. New alters. New alters that none of them knew anything about. He had no control and he could tell he was slipping even further and soon would have no recollection of anything that happened.

The alter now in control looked down at the body and took a shaky breath as they left the bedroom. They knew Phil lived there and had been with Dan. And they also knew why Dan had stopped things with Phil and acted so irrationally with saying he wasn’t gay.

As they walked into the living room, he saw Phil and stopped, leaving the two to stare at each other.

Their eyes were big as the walked over and sat next to Phil who’s eyes were red-rimmed and wet from tears that they assumed was because of Dan.

Phil looked over at them. “You’re not Dan.”

They shook their head as they continued to look at Phil with a mix of what seemed to be shock, horror, and sadness.

“Who are you? I don’t recognize how you’re acting. I don’t think I know you.”

His voice was still raspy from crying and the more he looked at the person in front of him the more his eyes seemed to well back up with tears.

“I- I’m sorry. My name is Aiden. I’m sorry about what happened between you and Dan.” They spoke softly and then frowned, bringing their hand up and wiping a tear from Phil’s face.

“Y- you’re new? I don’t know you and Dan’s never talked about you.”

Aiden nodded.

“Yes. I formed in the past month at some point.”

Phil looked up. He had thought alters could only form through trauma. What trauma was going on? He thought things were going really well, though he had thought that and Dan had just told him he wasn’t gay. Dating someone you weren’t attracted to and being called a cute couple for years must’ve been trauma enough. Goddamnit. What had he done? He had to ask though. Only Aiden would know the answer.

“Why?”

They quirked their head.

“Why what?”

Phil sighed and rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hand.

“Why are you here. Natalie- Dan’s therapist- had told me that new alters would only form due to trauma. I wasn’t aware of anything going on. I hate to ask but I’d also hate not to know. What happened?”

Phil could see Aiden visibly stiffen. If he formed due to trauma he must be a trauma holder. 

_Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid._ Phil cursed at himself for blatantly asking a trauma holder what their trauma was.

“Um-”

Phil shook his head.

“No, I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that. I realize it would probably be hard to talk about if that’s why you came to be. Do you know of any other alters that know about the trauma that may be open to talking about it? If not it’s totally fine. I apologize for asking.”

They shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

The man sitting beside him nodded, “It’s ok. Don’t worry about it.”

_“Aiden are you fronting?”_

The very concerned voice of Jacob echoed in Aiden’s head.

_“Mhm. Why?”_

_“Would it be alright if I fronted instead? Maybe I could try and talk to Phil about Daniel. You can come and talk to Fiona. Alright? I promise after tonight you can front whenever you’d like. Is that ok?”_

They thought about it for a moment, completely ignoring Phil who seemed to be concerned at the spaced-out look on their face. 

_“I guess. He keeps asking about trauma though and I don’t wanna talk about it.”_

They frowned. Jacob was quick to comfort though.

_“Hey, it’s alright. Don’t worry, please. I’ll front and I’ll make sure he doesn’t bring up any trauma again. Ok?”_

_“Mhm. Ok.”_

They felt themself become very dissociated before losing all control of the body and have someone else replace it.

“Phil.”

He looked up, shocked at hearing the voice change. He hadn’t been expecting someone else to front again that night. 

“Jacob? I’m so confused.”

He frowned and covered his head in his hands. Genuinely not knowing what to do.

“It’s ok. I’ll help explain. Did you get any more information out of Aiden though? I’m just beginning to have contact with them and I could benefit from any information about them.”

Phil shrugged as a look of guilt and pain panged on his face.

“I don’t really know. I think he’s a trauma holder though. And I made the one mistake that I should’ve known better than to do and asked what trauma because he was recently formed and I didn’t know about any recent trauma.”

Jacob frowned. 

“Aiden goes by them, not he, first off-”

Phil’s face fell even further.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head.

“Don’t be, it’s alright. And they’re ok. It’s all going to be ok. I do know about said trauma though and I don’t mind discussing it because I believe that you have a right to know.”

Phil looked up quickly, his eyes wide with shock.

“ _Really?_ You don’t have to tell me you know?”

He nodded, “I know. But I truly think you need to know.”

Phil looked intently towards Jacob, taking in every word that he spoked, hoping it would make everything piece together and make sense.

“First off. Daniel _is_ gay. That was a big lie he told you. And I apologize for eavesdropping on the conversation but I had heard him yelling and didn’t know if I needed to front or not. But you were very calm. So thank you for that.”

He let out a long breath, willing himself not to start crying again. “Of course. I would never yell at Dan.”

Once again, he frowned but continued to listen to Jacob’s words.

“From what _I_ know, Daniel has only been anxious about you two being together because the comments on videos are reminding him of old memories…”

He wanted Phil to fill in the rest of the pieces. To understand now why Dan had acted the way he had.

“Trauma memories?” Phil halfway flinched, never wanting to be the reason to cause Dan pain.

Jacob nodded.

“I’m glad you figured that out so quickly. Yes. I’m sure Daniel has told you of being traumatized in the past with the usage of words like “gay,” “homo,” etcetera…”

Phil nodded slowly, wishing that all of this could all be a nightmare and that Dan would just be ok. He hated that all of that had happened. And now because they had started making YouTube videos together, it was still happening.

“I hadn’t realized the comments were negative.”

Jacob shook his head, “Not a lot of them are if I’m telling the truth. Though Daniel still sees all of them. And even the ones that just call you two a ‘cute couple’ or psychoanalyzing every little move you two make to try and figure out if you are dating- it makes it hard for him. Extremely hard.”

Phil moved uncomfortably.

“Then we should stop making videos together. Or maybe at all. If that would help make this stop.”

Jacob took a deep breath. 

“Honestly I’m not sure that that would even be a good idea. Perhaps you could stop doing as many videos together for now, but I know that both of you enjoy making videos, so you shouldn’t stop. I also told our therapist about how YouTube comments had been negatively affecting Daniel in hopes that she would discuss it with him next time. And I think you should try to get him to talk with you about it as well. It’s not fair for you two to have to hide your feelings for each other just because of all of this shit.”

Phil nodded.

“I think I’m going to bed. This is a lot to digest, you know?”

Jacob looked on with pity. “Yes, I know. It’ll all be ok though. I promise.”

“Thank you. I’ll try and talk to Dan in the morning.”

They both stood up and headed to their rooms.

“Goodnight Phil.”

He smiled as much as he could at that moment, though it still felt extremely forced.

“Goodnight.”

-

Dan awoke with a start. He felt dizzy and he could feel his heart beating quickly as if trying to escape the prison that was his chest.

_“Is anyone up? Who fronted last night? Fuck fuck fuck. What happened?”_

Memories flooded back from the day before. Dan at therapy, him lying to Phil and pushing him away even further, and then… and then nothing. He didn’t know what had happened after that.

Nobody answered him back either. Perhaps they didn’t hear him. Or maybe they were ignoring him as he had so rudely done to them in the past. He deserved it if they were.

His hear sank into his chest at the idea of all of this. If anything, breaking things off with Phil had made him even more anxious. He just wanted things to be ok. He wanted to be happy. Phil always made him smile. Always made him feel warm and fuzzy and loved. He was the only person that had ever made Dan feel loved.

 _Fuck._ Dan cursed at himself as he realized what a massive mistake he had made. _Fuck fuck fuck._

He had to fix this. That was the only way any of this could go back to normal.

He threw the covers off of him as he ran out of his room, not caring about his unruly hair or crumpled clothes. 

“Phil. Phil!”

The boy ran up to his roommate’s door and started knocking loudly. Not giving a damn whether he woke him up or not.

_“What the hell are you doing Daniel?”_

He heard Lex’s voice and to his surprise, felt himself relax a bit. Perhaps it was just at the sentiment of having another person around to help… or, tell him how badly he was doing when he messed up.

_“I’m fixing things, Lex. Leave me alone.”_

He snarled at him, even though he secretly didn’t want to be left alone. He truly did find a bit of comfort in hearing the voices of his alters, no matter how cruel said alter may be.

“Dan?”

Phil stood in the doorway, sleep heavy in his eyes, and staring at Dan with confusion.

Dan felt himself blush a bit as he shifted his weight, trying to think of an apology without becoming to flustered or just having a full-on breakdown.

“I- um.”

Phil quirked his head to the side.

“Yes?”

Dan took in a deep breath, trying to steady himself.

“I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. I don’t know- I don’t know what’s gotten into me or why I’ve been acting so cruel recently. There’s been a lot of things that have been upsetting me more than they should’ve and I haven’t even been talking to my therapist about them because I thought they were dumb but now seeing how much they’ve affected well... us, I suppose maybe I should’ve just brought it up to discuss rather than.. you know….” 

Phil’s eyes widened. He had hoped that Dan would feel comfortable enough to talk about everything that had been going on, but he hadn’t imagined the conversation going down like this. Originally he thought he’d have to uncomfortably pry information from Dan, yet here Dan was at half-past eight in the morning trying to explain why he had been acting so strangely recently.

“Do you want to sit down?”

Phil gestured for him to come and sit on his bed and Dan gladly accepted.

“Thank you. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head.

“Dan, don’t apologize. Jacob talked to me about what had been going on so I’m a lot less confused now. If you need a break from YouTube that’s fine. Hell, if you need a break from _me_ that’s fine. If you don’t want to be together at all-” he choked a bit, not wanting to complete the sentence, “then that’s fine. Do whatever is going to make you feel better because it breaks me to see you in such pain.”

Phil frowned as Dan lowered his head into his hands.

“I don’t want to talk about YouTube right now. But I do want to talk about us. Us as a couple, not just as friends, or exes, or whatever we are right now. I’m not sure that I’m ready to call us a couple right now. But I really don’t want things to be weird between us either. If I’m being completely honest, I’m confused. I don’t know what I want, but I do want you. You’re the only person that’s been able to make me feel safe… and loved. I just want things to go back to how they were before all of this shit happened. I hate how things are between us now. I miss you.”

Things hadn’t been the same since the beginning of that year. The comments insinuating that the two were a couple had escalated until they made Dan so uncomfortable that he broke. And now he didn’t want to let the comments get to him anymore because they had ruined a wonderful relationship. The only real relationship Dan had.

“I would like that too, bear-”

Dan melted a bit at the nickname that he hadn’t heard for what seemed like months.

“I love you. And I’ll wait for you as long as you’d like.”

Phil reached over and hugged Dan, pressing a soft kiss to his unbelievably soft brown hair.

At that moment, Dan knew things would be ok. Maybe they weren’t in the moment, but they would be. And that’s all that mattered.

“I love you too.”

Dan whispered the sentiment back into Phil’s chest, so quietly it had seemed that perhaps he said it to reaffirm himself.

Things were going to be ok. They just had to wait a little longer.


	9. Chapter 9

“Bear?”

The younger boy slowly opened his eyes, breathing in the warmth that was Phil. He felt his soft hands wrapped around his middle, drawing him closer with every breath. Dan sighed, falling for Phil even more than he thought was possible. 

And the nickname… The nickname that he had heard so many times before made him shiver.

It’d been too long since the name had left Phil’s mouth.

“Good morning.”

Dan rolled over to stare into Phil’s blue eyes. You could go swimming in those eyes. That’s what he’d always thought when he looked at them. They were beautiful. 

Phil threw him a lazy smile and fluttered his eyes in a crazy attempt at staying awake.

“You tired, babe?”

Phil nodded, “It’s early.”

Dan chuckled and leaned in to give him a short kiss.

“I love you, Dan.”

The boy moved closer once again and wrapped one of his arms around Phil’s broad shoulders, their faces so close their noses were touching. 

“I love you too,” he whispered the words quietly, still almost afraid to speak them allowed.

He was still afraid. Afraid of falling _too_ hard and then getting hurt. But Phil hadn’t been the one to hurt him in the first place. The reason things had been so rough between them was Dan’s own fault and he knew that. 

But things were better now. 

They could relax for just a bit. 

They were happy and they were ok… More thank ok. They were great.

“Did you want to get up?” Dan stayed quiet, not wanting to disturb Phil too much as he spoke.

All Phil did in return was shrug. Dan giggled, feeling his face flush at the cute boy in front of him.

“Is that a yes or no, love?”

Phil slowly opened his eyes to look at Dan. He was happy that nicknames were a thing again. He had missed them. Phil smiled, making his eyes crease at the corners.

“I’m just tired, but sure, we can get up.”

Dan smiled and gave Phil another short kiss before excitedly rolling over and leaving the bed, waiting as Phil followed shortly behind.

-

_“You two are getting along again? Are you back together?”_

Dan heard Jacob’s familiar voice and smiled softly.

_“Yes. And yes we’re back together… or something like that.”_

Jacob hummed in approval before leaving Dan alone with his own thoughts, though he’d never be too far away. He had just wanted to check-in.

_“…I’m impressed, Daniel.”_

Jacob’s smooth voice was replaced by Lex’s, who’s tone seemed to indicate that he wore a permanent sneer on his face.

_“Impressed by what exactly?”_

Dan scoffed. He had finally learned not to be bothered by Lex.

_“You finally did something right.”_

Dan rolled his eyes, it’s not like he did _everything_ wrong.

_“And what exactly have I done right?”_

He heard Lex chuckle.

_“You’re such a bloody idiot aren’t you? If you can’t figure it out then I’m not telling you.”_

Dan pulled a sour face, sometimes he wished he could slap Lex.

_“For fucks sake, Lex, I’m not that dumb. I know you’re talking about me and Phil.”_

Dan could tell that the persecutor rolled his eyes.

_“Fine.”_

With a final word, Lex moved further from the front, no longer able to talk to Dan, probably off to harass other unsuspecting alters in the headspace.

_Thank god._

Now, he was finally alone with Phil.

-

“Phil!”

Dan excitedly hugged his boyfriend, honestly just happy to be able to be close with him again.

“You’re excited today, aren’t you?” He chuckled, finding Dan’s attitude extremely cute.

The boy rocked back and forth on his feet as he shook his head.

“Mhmm!”

Phil could tell he was acting a bit stranger than usual, though he thought it best not to ask. He was just happy to have Dan back.

“What do you want to do today, Bear?”

Dan’s eyes lit up as he took a moment to think, “How about we watch a movie!”

Phil smiled, “That’s a wonderful idea, do you have a certain movie in mind?”

He shook his head.

“Not really, how about Howl’s Moving Castle?”

Phil nodded, “That sounds lovely.”

Dan sat down as Phil went into the kitchen and made coffee and brought two bowls of cereal back into the living room. He figured they would be watching movies all day, so he also lit a candle and found some snacks before sitting back down.

Dan had managed to find a soft blanket and had it tangled all around him by the time Phil had come back.

“You look comfortable.” Phil chuckles as Dan rolled his eyes and took a long sip of his coffee.

“I am.” He smiled up at his boyfriend who still hadn’t sat down.

“Are you planning on sitting anytime soon? I wanna cuddle.” Dan pouted as Phil laughed.

“Yes, Dan, I’m about to sit down, I just need to grab the remote.”

The boy smiled and nodded as he finished his cereal and placed the now-empty bowl on the coffee table in front of him.

Phil sat down as promised and put on the movie, playing with Dan’s soft hair that was still curly from his shower the night before. This was always his favorite thing to do on their days off. They’d cuddle all day as they sipped on hot drinks and overall just enjoyed one another’s company, giving each other soft kisses every so often.

-

Hours passed since the two had curled up on the couch together. It was nearly midnight now and Dan had fallen asleep on Phil’s shoulder, curled into himself in a way that made the older boy smile. 

He looked so peaceful sleeping. His face was void of worry and his body was fully relaxed. None of the usual stress and tension that was constantly apparent.

Phil ran the tips of his fingers over Dan’s side. Gentle enough as to not wake him up, but enough to feel his body move slowly with his breaths.

He had been the only one to front all day. That was something that rarely happened, but he supposed not much had happened that day so it was alright. Everything was going well again and Dan was happy, and that was better than anything he could ever ask for.

Slowly, the boy lying on top of Phil started to shift. His breathing moved from being soft and quiet to louder and more ragged as he started to wake up. Once he finally was able to open his eyes, he yawned and sat up slowly, using Phil as something to lean on.

“Hi.” Phil giggled as his younger boyfriend yawned loudly.

“What time is it?”

Dan looked around and saw the darkness of the night through the large windows of the apartment.

Phil shrugged, “About midnight I’d assume.”

The younger boy rubbed his eyes once again as he buried his head in Phil’s chest.

“Can we go to bed please?” There was a familiar whininess in Dan’s voice, earning a small chuckle from Phil.

He nodded his head, “Of course, Bear. We can do whatever you’d like.”

Dan smiled and placed a small kiss on the side of Phil’s lips.

“Thank you.”

The older boy smiled widely, his eyes glistening with a mixture of love and affection.

“I love you, Phil.” Dan repositioned himself and gave his boyfriend a big hug, melting as he felt Phil’s strong arms wrap around his body and hug him back.

“I love you too, bub.”

The two boys crawled into bed, cuddling closely to one another as they fell asleep to each others breathing.


	10. Chapter 10

Dan hadn’t come out of his bedroom for the past few days and Phil was getting increasingly worried. Nobody had even fronted besides for Dan for over a week. It was obvious something was wrong.

Phil felt like he had waited too long as he went up and softly knocked on Dan’s bedroom door. It was silent except for the quiet breathing of his boyfriend coming from the other side of the door.

“Dan?”

Phil softly murmured the boy’s name, hoping he would get a reply. Anything, even a grunt would be enough of a reply. 

But there was none, and it was clear that there wouldn’t be one.

Instead, Phil grabbed the doorknob and turned it slowly, only peaking through the crack in the door as it squeaked open.

“Bear?”

The older boy opened the door wider and glanced around the room. He smiled softly at the sight of Dan curled up on his bed with a blanket wrapped around him and a pale blue dinosaur stuffy pulled close to his chest. His breathing was quiet and even, indicating he was asleep.

He considered leaving the smaller boy alone but decided against it when he noticed him waking up. Phil walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, admiring Dan’s face before reaching down and softly swiping brunette hair out of his face.

Dan blinked softly and his eyes fluttered for just a moment before looking up at the man next to him.

“Phiw?”

He cocked his head. Dan’s tone was off. It was much more childlike, yet, to Phil’s knowledge, Dan wasn’t a little, and usually, littles didn’t front.

“Yes, love?”

He decided he wouldn’t question it, he wanted to be as supportive as possible. He let his tone go softer, as he would if he were talking to a small child.

Dan only blinked at Phil before speaking up again, anger and embarrassment flooding his face.

“Phil, what the hell are you doing?”

In just a matter of seconds, both his attitude and tone had changed.

Something was definitely different.

Phil finally spoke up again, his voice harder now, “I came to check on you. You’ve been all cooped up in your room for almost this entire week. I get that you’re stressed because of tour preparations and such, but you can’t just stay procrastinating in your room all of the time. You’re not even sharing a bed with me now and I wanted to make sure everything was ok. Is it?”

Dan’s face fell for less than a second before assuming the look of anger once again.

“Nothing’s wrong. And I’m not just procrastinating in here, ok? Now get out!” 

The older boy’s face fell. He wasn’t sure what he should do. He knew something was wrong, but he decided it best to leave Dan’s room anyway. He didn’t want to make things worse. God knows he couldn’t deal with a repeat of 2012. Dan always made irrational decisions when he was upset, so Phil wasn’t going to beat around the bush too much.

Instead, he went back out to the living room, trying to figure out the right words to say to his boyfriend before going back to talk with him again. He wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but from what he knew about the littles in their system, it seemed Dan had been acting a lot like them. Or perhaps it wasn’t Dan at all. Perhaps it was another little. Phil would have to ask.

Fiona had talked to him a lot about littles in the past, and how to help if one fronted, which had been extremely useful in the few cases that one had, though now Phil was completely at a loss for what to do. If only he could talk with Fiona again.

He knew he couldn’t though. Dan- or someone- wasn’t letting anyone else front. 

Phil thought things over a few more times before coming to a decision. He remembered Fiona had talked about age regression before. Maybe that’s what Dan had been doing. Going into little space. Maybe he was embarrassed about it. 

Phil knew what he was about to do could go badly, but it could also be really useful… 

He walked towards Dan’s bedroom door and knocked once again.

“Dan? Please, can I talk to you about something?”

Luckily, Phil got an answer this time.

“What do you want?”

The boy still sounded upset, but Phil opened the door and walked in anyway, finding Dan sat at his desk with his laptop open to Tumblr.

Phil sat on the edge of the bed and fiddled with his hands nervously as Dan started at him.

“Yes?” Dan waved his hands, gesturing for Phil to talk.

He took a deep breath.

“Uhm, so I’ve realized that during all of the stress of book and tour preparations and such you’ve been alone in your room a lot and-”

The younger boy rolled his eyes.

“Gods Phil, it’s about that again? I’m fine, geez.”

Phil shook his head, “No. Let me finish.”

The boy scoffed. “Fine. What?”

“Well, the few times I have seen you, and I don’t mean this to be weird in any way, but I’ve noticed that you’ve had a stuffy with you whenever you leave your room,” he quickly added, “and that’s fine,” before Dan freaked out.

“And?”

Phil let out a loud sigh.

“And it just seemed that you’ve been acting more like one of your littles and-”

Dan’s face fell, turning red as Phil spoke.

“Phil I don’t know what you’re trying to insinuate but I think you should leave. Now.”

Phil shook his head. “No. I’m not leaving this time. I wanted to let you know that it’s totally fine if you’re a little and I want to help you when you’re in little space. I did a little research on it. I can be your caregiver if you want me to be! I know you have Fiona but-”

Dan closed his eyes, blushing even harder. 

“Phil. Just leave. LEAVE.”

The anger in Dan’s voice startled Phil, and he left, his face falling in defeat, not knowing what else he could do.

Did Dan not trust him? Or maybe he really was just embarrassed. Either way, Phil knew for sure that Dan was an age regressor. Whether the boy would admit it or not.

-

Another two days had passed and Dan still had rarely left his bedroom. Phil had no other ideas on how to help and had made himself stay out of it. It was clear Dan didn’t want his help, so for now, he wouldn’t give it.

It was a rainy afternoon and Phil was sat in the office, working on last-minute preparations for before they went on tour the following week. He had soft music playing and was just finishing work as he heard the office door open. He turned around to see Dan standing in the doorway with his dino stuffy in one hand and his blanket in the other.

“Phiw?”

Phil smiled, hearing Dan’s little voice. 

“Hi love, are you alright?”

He didn’t want to bring any previous conversations up, in fear of bringing Dan out of his little space and messing things up again.

Dan nodded and walked further in the room so he was standing in front of the older boy.

“I’m sowwy.”

Phil frowned. 

“For what, baby?”

Dan’s eyes welled with tears, “For bein mean to you. I wuv you.”

Phil stood up from his chair and gave Dan a long hug, rubbing his back as to let him know it was ok.

He gave him a small kiss on the top of his head before speaking again, “It’s alright love. I love you too.”

Dan smiled up at Phil who was just a tad bit taller than him. 

“Will you be my cawregiver?” The young boy asked the question shyly, almost in a whisper, though it made Phil smile and hug him even closer.

“Of course, Bear.”

The young boy smiled at Phil and squealed a bit before running into his bedroom, waiting for Phil to follow behind him.

“What would you like to do, Bear?”

Dan swung his legs as he sat on the edge of his bed, kicking the side of the mattress and creating a thudding sound with every swing.

Phil stood in the doorway and watched Dan with a smile on his face.

“Can I have a dwink pwease?”

Phil walked closer to Dan so he could look him in the eye- “Of course, bub. What would you like?”

Dan smiled and giggled a bit before he responded.

“Could I have some ribena?!”

Phil would’ve fussed at him about the sugar, but he did realize that was Dan not in little space he wouldn’t care, and the big smile adorning the young boy’s face made it quite literally impossible to say no.

“Of course, love. I’ll be right back.”

The boy smiled and choked on a giggle at the back of his throat as Phil left the room to fetch his drink.

It didn’t take long for Phil to return to Dan who was now sat and mumbling to himself as he messed with his stuffed animals.

-

Nearly three hours had quickly ticked by before Dan had started to slip out of his little space. Respectively, Phil was growing more and more tired and having trouble keeping up with the younger version of his boyfriend.

“Phil?”

He blinked at Dan, hearing his voice going back to the way it sounded normally.

“Dan?”

They were both still laying in bed, Phil now leaning on his side to look at Dan who was staring at their popcorn ceiling.

He nodded, “Ya.. ya it’s me.”

His breathing was soft as he rolled over as well, the two boys now staring into each other’s eyes. Not saying anything… just enjoying the silence. Their silence seemed to share enough words as is.

“I love you,” Dan broke the silence with a small whisper.

Phil pressed a breathy kiss to his forehead. “I love you too.”

The corner of the younger boy’s lips turned upwards into a faint smile.

“Thank you.”

Phil wrinkled his nose. “For what?”

“For… you know.”

He cocked his head to the side, “For being your caregiver?”

A small pink ran up Dan’s neck and onto his face, “Ya. For that.”

A low chuckle escaped Phil’s throat as he leaned in to press his lips to Dan’s jaw, leaving small kisses up to his lips.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Bear. You’re cute in your little space you know? And it honestly makes me feel really happy to care for you.”

Dan’s cheeks went even redder if that were possible. He stayed quiet as he rolled back over in the bed.

“Thanks.” 

He rolled his eyes and Phil snickered.

“I think everything is finally ready for tour. I have all preparations made and so all we need to do is pack!”

Dan frowned and turned back to face the older boy.

“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to know everything was planned out.” Phil raised an eyebrow to the expression on Dan’s face.

“No no, I am happy. I just feel bad that I haven’t helped one bit. All I’ve done the entire time is procrastinate and go into little space.”

Phil shook his head and moved his hand to Dan’s mouth to make him stop talking.

“Don’t worry about it. Everything is totally fine. And you deserved the break. You’re going to be doing enough as is and I know that it’s going to be really scary for the both of us. And this was good for us relationship-wise anyway.”

Dan looked up at Phil who was now sitting next to him instead of laying. “Why’s that?”

“Because now I can help whenever you regress. _And_ now you can let littles front more often and I’ll be able to help.”

He smiled and sat up with Phil, leaning to give him a kiss.

“This is why I love you so much.”

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and brought him closer.

“I love you more.”

Dan shook his head dramatically, “ _Impossible._ ”

They both laughed at their idiocy as they moved back in for another kiss.


End file.
